In its own words Free Kick Champ requires the following of you: “Take your shot if you can shoot free kicks to surpass the defense. If you play good you will get bonus round.”
In real English, you have to see how many out of 10 free kicks you can score against a keeper with a one-man wall.
A one-man wall might sound easy but it’s a two-dimensional game and it’s actually pretty tough. There’s no possibility of curving the ball. All you can do is lump it, but you do get to control the angle and power of these lumps.
Unluckily for us our goal bound attempts are accompanied by mildy nauseating music that sounds like a pirated karaoke version of Will Smith’s “Gettin' Jiggy Wit It”. Still, it’s better than thousands of grown men shouting allegations about your heritage and sexual status, and it’s actually a lot better than the original Will Smith tune as well.
As for the game, it takes me three shots to acclimatise to the conditions. My fourth shot finally looks like making it under the crossbar but ends up striking the one-man wall full in the face. This sends him crashing to the ground and me into a fit of titters.
While Free Kick Champ seems to be little more than a game of angles, my A-level maths prowess isn’t translating into goals galore.
So I throw caution to the wind and boot one into the stratosphere. To my and the keeper’s amazement the gravity defying sky rocket dips over the floodlights and crashes into the back of the net. Game on!!
With my self-esteem restored I try something more orthodox but it finds its way straight into the keeper’s arms. I consequently revert to the sky rocket, yet behold, it turns out that the ball in this game does actually defy gravity. My 85 degree screamer hits the floor from well over 100 metres high at some pace but bounces straight upwards rather than onwards and goalwards. Where’s Newton when you need him?
So it’s back to the low drive and this time, booyah, it’s in. The keeper flounders in the air but can do nothing as my shot screams past him.
I then accidentally hit a bobbler at about one mile per hour which strikes the defender’s foot and still makes him fall over. This guy is about as solid as Titus Bramble yet I still can’t score every time, which must make me Chris Sutton during his Chelsea days.
I’ve just noticed over the strains of Will Smith karaoke that the crowd does have some balls and actually chants something or other when you miss. Something which I can’t really make out but which sounds like: “Your love. We only need your love.” Hmm, I preferred them when they didn’t have balls.
I should stress that the goalie and defender keep you on your toes by moving for each shot. Unexpecteldy it’s a damn sight easier when the man in the number one jersey decides to stand ten yards off his line, but he doesn’t do this anywhere near enough for my liking.
After squandering eight of my first 10 kicks I go back for more and this time bag four, which earns me a bonus round.
This involves booting the ball between a gap in a wall to score. Out of ten attempts I get four goals, giving me the grand score of 1200.I’m pretty bored by now and am off to browse Djibril Cissé’s website instead. There are some really great photos on there you know.
Rating: 4/10
Best feature: Wobbly defender
Best score: 1200
What do you think of Free Kick Champ? Can you do any better? Let us know.