Friday, July 01, 2016
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Ever wanted to shoot Cristiano Ronaldo with a cannon?

President of FIFA and perennial xenophobe Sepp Blatter is often the subject of derision and criticism.

 

When he’s not making ludicrously sexist remarks about female footballers needing to wear tighter shorts or idiotic comments about Cristiano Ronaldo being a slave at Manchester United, he’s incurring people’s wrath by banging on about there being too many foreign Johnnies in domestic teams.

 

 

 

 

It’s in response to this final opinion that Mr Blatter has become the subject of not only a delicious pun but an incredibly addictive online game.

 

Sepp Splatter puts you in the football baron’s place as he attempts to keep foreigners out of the English league by shooting them with a cannon.

 

It’s all very simple and it works like this.

 

Sepp sits behind a customs desk and has to pop shots at anyone sporting an AC Milan, Barcelona or Bayern Munich shirt, as well as Cristiano Ronaldo.

 

He can angle the cannon in any direction, including underneath himself when his customs desk rises in the later stages of the game. However, it’s unfortunately impossible for the Swiss cheese to angle a cannon ball on to his own bonce.

 

The most critical part of the game is controlling the strength of the cannon balls. Sepp does this by holding down the left mouse button for more time if he wants more power, and less time if he wants less power.

 

Then he has to combine his angling and power controlling prowess to smash foreign players either in their bodies for 10 points, legs for 20 points or heads for 50 points.

 

It’s worth noting that Ronaldo is worth triple points, so a head shot on the £80m man rewards a bit of extra effort.

 

Once Blatter has hit about 10 players he gets a random selection of Premiership shirts spinning past his eyes.

 

You, dear player, then hit the left mouse button to stop the spinning shirts. This makes Sepp’s job a little bit harder as he now has to kill all of the players in this shirt in addition to the continental chaps coming into arrivals.

 

That’s about all there is to it really, and you might be thinking that it sounds a bit crap, but I guarantee that you’ll be hooked within seconds.

 

I’m not sure if it’s the goofy animation á la the previously reviewed Striker Run, or the anachronistic 1930s jazz music that accompanies this footballing genocide, but Sepp Splatter also has a subtle charm that makes you feel guilty if you don’t go back for another round.

 

As you get better and better Sepp’s customs desk will be attacked by faster players, players with crazy oscillating jet packs and players coming in by parachute, and the desk itself will start moving up and down more frenetically than Silvio Berlusconi’s stairlift.

 

All in all it’s a different kind of football game that is fun enough, despite its racist overtones and endorsement of murder.

 

Rating: 7/10

 

Best feature: Sepp Blatter’s demented face  

 

Best score: 43 kills, 1570 points

 

 

What do you think of Sepp Splatter? Can you do any better than me? Post your opinions and best scores below.

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