In my opinion, one of the most overrated players in the Premiership is Richard Dunne. The guy is the master of the schoolboy error and is practically guaranteed to provide the opposition with one golden opportunity over the course of 90 minutes. His rather vacant eyes display the intelligence levels that lead him to repeatedly make rash decisions and if his simple, pudgy countenance was topped off with a scraggly bowl-cut then he would make the perfect village idiot for that long awaited Willow sequel.
He has the most Premier League own goals (tied with Jamie Carragher on 6) and the most Premiership red cards, clocking in with 9. Dunne’s most famous red was when he hauled down Tuncay in last season’s encounter at the Riverside. In a tribute to the hapless Irish centre-back, the City team that day all tried to emulate his skill level and as a consequence, Boro stuffed them 8-1.
Regular as clockwork, Sunday saw another classic Dunne balls up, in this case a missed interception on the halfway line, which led to Bobby Zamora breaking free and setting up Clint Dempsey to slot Fulham into a 3-1 lead that effectively killed off the tie. Unbelievably, in almost a decade with City, Pie Boy Richard has amassed 4 fans player of the season awards. I’m not sure if this symptomatic of a general stupidity amongst City fans or that they’ve been so bad over the years that Dunne has just been the pick of the bunch by default.
For me, he is the King of schoolboy errors. However, these days, the term has transcended the sport. Here are a few players who have made rookie ‘schoolboy error’ mistakes off the pitch:
Making dodgy sex tapes: Back in 2000, Frank Lampard, Rio Ferdinand & Kieron Dyer set the tone for the ‘roasting’ generation of the noughties. They enticed a couple of female ‘fans’ back to their Ayia Napa hotel room with tantalising offers of maltesers and free shirts, before predictably having their wicked way. As is often the case in celebrity world, the camera was conveniently pinched and the tabloids had a field day.
Playing a prank on Joey Barton: Back in 2004, promising young Man City player James Tandy made a joke at Barton’s expense at the clubs Christmas party. Not renowned for his sense of humour, Barton stubbed a lit cigar into Tandy’s eye, scarring him for life. Since then, young James has lurched from catastrophe to catastrophe. He was loaned out to a team in Denmark, where he suffered a career ending leg break, before spiralling into a world of drink and attempted suicide. Tandy is now working for a window cleaning company and attempting to sue Barton.
Cheating on Cheryl Tweedy: I guess some people are never happy. Not content with being married to one of the planet's hottest women, classy Cole picked up a young female fan for a spot of hanky panky. ‘Highlights’ of the night include him being sick in the girl's friend's car, then stating that she should ‘be privileged’ that his vomit was coating her upholstery as well as puking again all over the carpet during the ‘love-making’. I bet it was the best night of her life.
Laughing at your own team losing: A lot has been made of the recent childish antics of Scottish duo Allan McGregor & Barry Ferguson following their substitute bench v-sign shenanigans, but back in 2002, goalkeeper Alex Kolinko took things a step further. Disgruntled about being on the bench, Latvian goalkeeper Kolinko let out a loud guffaw when his Crystal Palace team went 1-0 down to Bradford. He was promptly given a smack in the chops by his manager Trevor Francis.
Picking up transvestites: Last year, former world player of the year Ronaldo thought he was in for a great night when, after a night clubbing in Sao Paulo, he took three prostitutes back to a love motel for a romp. It is reasonable to assume that fat Ronny was somewhat inebriated as he was shocked to discover that the three howlers were packing more than he bargained for. His attempt to hush things up by quickly paying them off failed as an argument ensued, police were called and the world's media salivated at the seedy degeneracy of it all.
Publicly airing bizarre beliefs: Who could forget the odd finale to Glenn Hoddle’s tenure as England coach? He already had a reputation for being strange due to his reliance on ‘faith healer’ Eileen Drewery, but Hoddle outdid himself when in an interview with The Times he suggested that handicapped people were being punished for sins committed in a previous life. The maelstrom of public criticism that followed forced the FA’s hand and Hoddle was out on his ear.
Making yourself popular with the locals: In 1997 when Barnsley were promoted to the Premier League, they splashed out a club record £1.5m for Macedonian hitman Georgi Hristov. A few weeks later the striker made himself instantly popular when he lambasted the local women in a newspaper interview, claiming 'the local girls are far uglier than the ones in Belgrade. Our women are far prettier and they don't drink as much beer.' Suffice to say his social life and standing at the club simultaneously plummeted.
Being under the thumb: In July 1998, Aston Villa signed David Unsworth for £3m from West Ham. However, this was clearly not to the liking of Unsworth’s wife who wanted to move all the way back to Merseyside. Faced with the prospect of a 150 mile round trip for training each day, Unsworth slapped in a transfer request days after signing for Villa and re-joined Everton a week later. Villains Boss John Gregory accused Mrs. Unsworth of being the one wearing the trousers, stating 'we sent him home from training; I think his wife said he had to be home at 1pm for his dinner or something like that.'
Having a blabbermouth wife: I have to admire Croatian star Dino Drpic. He has a playboy model wife. He managed to get some friends to leave the floodlights of his club Dinamo Zagreb’s Maksimir Stadium on. He then persuaded his wife to join him on the centre circle and fulfil his dream fantasy of having sex in the middle of the pitch. Brilliant. The schoolboy error was none of the above, but rather the fact that he let his wife include this steamy anecdote in a book and then discuss it live on Serbian TV. Dinamo bosses appeared to not be amused by the revelations and Drpic was soon bundled off on loan to German outfit Karlsruher.
Indulging in weird kinky action: I’ll start as I ended, with a sex tape. Why not? Former Aston Villa goalkeeper Stefan Postma not only allowed his girlfriend to take him roughly from behind with a strap on, but he filmed it and inevitably it found its way to the World Wide Web. I don’t think much more needs to be said about that. Only the Dutch.
I’m sure there are hundreds more, so if you can think of any other funny footballer ‘schoolboy errors’ then please feel free to add them below.